Anxiety in Relationships: Understanding How Your Attachment Style Contributes To Feeling Safe

Anxiety is a normal aspect of our human experience. At the crux of existential psychotherapy, anxiety is identified as a given to our human existence. The main consideration toward anxiety and any emotion is understanding what it’s trying to tell you. You may not always have to do what it says, but it’s worth listening to and most importantly, understanding. Think of emotions like messages that contain insight into your conditioning, needs, values, and belief systems.

If you’re someone who finds yourself feeling anxious and insecure then this blog is for you - and congratulations you’re a human being :) The anxiety that surrounds your relationships with those you hold dear is a gateway to greater self-understanding and growth. Our relationships, especially intimate ones, illuminate many things for us, especially how we learned to cope from a young age when it comes to advocating for our basic emotional needs. How you attach to others, especially your romantic partners, says a lot about the triggers you’ll face including fears, insecurities, and reactions when a manifestation of anxiety comes knocking on your door. I’m going to discuss the common attachment styles we all experience and unite us by acknowledging that these different variations of attaching and relating are a result of our relationship to anxiety and conditioned response to restore safety or what we know as internal homeostasis.

Attachment styles are an important indication of how you’ll relate and connect with others. It gives tremendous insight into your relationship with important caregivers i.e. parents, especially from your early formative childhood years. Attachment styles and theory is a deeply researched field of study originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth that provides a framework for understanding how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional and relational patterns throughout life. It’s a quite complex and nuanced field of research, however, I’ll provide a brief overview of the most common attachment styles we experience. Please know that this is intended to be seen as a spectrum rather than a fixed way of identifying yourself within these common patterns. Having a sense of yourself within this framework can provide valuable insight into how your anxiety manifests concerning others and perhaps even yourself through certain behavioral tendencies and emotional trends.

Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They have a positive view of themselves and others and can form healthy, balanced relationships. They tend to be more trusting, can communicate effectively, and handle conflict constructively. They seek support from partners when needed but also maintain a sense of independence.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and are highly sensitive to their partner’s availability. They may have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others, leading to a preoccupation with their relationships. They seek constant reassurance and may become overly dependent on their partners. They are often worried about abandonment and may exhibit clingy or overly emotional behaviors.

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often value independence and self-sufficiency, sometimes at the expense of emotional closeness. They may have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. They may downplay the importance of relationships and prefer to distance themselves emotionally. They often struggle with intimacy and may be uncomfortable with vulnerability and dependence.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often have mixed feelings about close relationships. They may simultaneously desire intimacy and fear it, resulting in a conflicted view of themselves and others. They may exhibit unpredictable or contradictory behaviors in relationships, such as seeking closeness while also pushing others away. This style is often associated with a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

As a more anxiously attached person, I experience a constant battle of feeling generally unsafe and insecure in myself, and in my relationships, like my marriage. I’ve learned immensely about my anxious tendencies through my marriage and for that, I’m most grateful as I uplevel and expand my ability to experience safety and wholeness within myself as my husband mirrors me in the ways I lack that. I can give my power and sense of stability so easily away to the Other and my overdependence on them - whoever that may be. I often find myself doubting and worrying about how people feel about me as a way to secure a sense of self and identity. I experience dependency and a heightened sensitivity that fuels nonstop seeking reassurance to a point where I cannot feel okay without someone else’s affirmation of my “okay-ness.” It also transcends into my relationship history with old best friends who I incessantly depended on and strove to please and minimize upset. This centers less on the Other I’m in a relationship with, not to make their role in my life or the dynamic meaningless, but rather more greatly stems from my relationship with Self.

All these self-observations become potent insights into nurturing my current relationships from a more secure and grounded place within. It’s a lifelong lesson for me to foster internal safety from within that I’ve learned numerous times, and I intend to keep learning rather than try to fight it. Sometimes I’m not even aware of how powerful this emotional storm can be while in the thick smoke of anxiety I find myself in. Arguably, all these attachment styles are fueled by a similar emotional signature of anxiety while the response and associated behaviors vary. As we now know or are reminded, the root of our attachment is our anxiety around getting our needs met since a young age, so please consider this as you work with your dominant style and strive towards greater security. If you can relate to some of what I shared, but may better identify with another style, please know that’s good to know and see yourself amongst the fullness of the attachment spectrum.

This anxious attachment is a part of me that attempts to keep me safe to the best of its knowledge and ability, and I’m willing to continue advocating for a different way throughout my lifetime to continuously expand my capacity for independence and freedom from within that doesn’t solely rely on the Other. I make room for the many levels and nuances associated with this attachment style and its associated deep-rooted patterns rather than approach it as a one-and-done healing transformation. And I invite you to do the same - it’s a much more interesting and playful journey that way. Become your own best observer and study yourself like you’re the latest and greatest new phenomenon