Reinventing Cool

I swear I've seen the movie Mean Girls at least 30 times in my life. I vividly remember going on a trip with my parents and we rented a car with a DVD player and TV in the backseat. That type of car was my dream as a kid because I'd always peer out the window at glaring, bright small TV screens in the back of mini-vans zooming by us on the highway. I thought how cool it'd be to experience that and well my day came on this vacation and the only DVD I had with me at the time was Mean Girls. So, you could say this movie made a big impression on me and my subconscious? I would honestly agree and aside from the social dogma - this movie really made an impression on my young mind when it came to the idea of "cool." I think many of us can relate to wanting to be "cool" or fit in because this speaks to our most basic human need for belonging and connection. So, hear me out as I share some of my inner tribulations and experiences around this word and concept.  

My time in high school felt like a little mini version of Mean Girls. Whether it was entirely shaped by the numerous viewings of this movie or not, that's needless to say. I definitely felt the pressure of social groups and the "in" crowd, and quite honestly, I hated it. I realized later in life how much my idea of "cool" was skewed and limited. I hated the "cool kids" and associated them with a negative connotation. I didn't understand how they had so many friends yet were so mean to each other. It all felt superficial and fake. I identified as a "loser" or "outcast." Too real was my mask. Now, I reclaim this notion as an "unconventional outsider" with pride and humility. Labels or no labels, it all doesn't really matter, but it also certainly does matter. And if my 14-year-old self could chime in, it SO does matter! Welcome to the world of paradox - it's a fun game if you choose to push your egoic need to be right aside from time to time.

I was a late bloomer in comparison to my friends. I was last to "become a woman," experience my first kiss, lose my virginity, and well, growing up with a missing front tooth and braces for about 7 plus years of my childhood certainly didn't enhance my beauty confidence. I remember having a retainer with a fake tooth in it at one point, which was a huge step up for me. Well, that was great, except when I had to take it out to eat and reveal my secret to anyone I'd share a meal with. So, going on dates didn't feel like much of an option… If you cannot tell, I was just another insecure young lady.

Then college came around. And my time at university led to the incessant exploration of drugs and alcohol which seemed to be the unspoken norm. It got to a point where I didn't even like myself so I was numbing myself even while alone. My social anxiety reached all-time highs, and the weed I used to smoke to feel "cool" and chill ended up turning on me too. Each time I got high, I became so judgmental and insecure. I'd think everyone was against me, and judge them for judging me when it was me all along. A funny game I played, and still do…shhh!! Well, it got to a point where something needed to change or I'd continue to drown in my deep unhappiness. That wasn't me and I knew better. So, I took up yoga. My first 30-day free yoga month at a local studio by campus. I'd bike there every day with a friend and get my money's worth! I was starting to reduce my smoking and drinking bit by bit because I knew it wasn't helping me. Well, this full yoga month was one of the most powerful months of my life! I was able to find reprieve and relief in healthy outlets and start to find my footing again. I love all things health- being and feeling healthy are important values of mine and always have been. Even growing up, I'd shift my diet to eat more fruit and vegetables, have homemade salads for lunch, and go to my grandma's apartment complex gym. I was very active and I knew that moving my body brought its own natural high. The body's wisdom and a biochemical cocktail of feel-good hormones were hardwired in me.

The funny thing is even while I was adopting poor coping habits in college, I'd still wake up to run or exercise. It was my deep connection to health that honestly at times had unhealthy motivations behind it but always stuck with me. From there, I started to meditate and my spiritual red carpet started to unfold, and I've never looked back. I came back to myself and I continue to do so. I'm not perfect, and balance is key, but my priorities of health and wellness grew firm.

As a woman in her early 20s, I had to make somewhat felt like "tough" and "uncool" decisions at times. I seemingly turned my life around. I was completely sober for two years from around ages 22 to 24. Not because I really "had" to but because I didn't want to form bonds and connections solely through being intoxicated. So, I felt I needed to change my lifestyle and sit out from some of the party festivities, which was definitely hard. I'd jokingly admit and hide behind my "grandma" persona rather than have to honestly admit where I was coming from. It was a tough one because I had to check my own judgments and projections on others to assume that was their intent when drinking or smoking. I'd have to decline drink after drink, joint after joint, and whatever else came my way. People's demeanors and facial gestures would shift when I said no. They appeared confused or put off by my choice. It felt like I was denying them or not accepting them. And upon more reflection, that's my own stuff, BUT it felt like each time I declined I created a divide - the sense of separation grew. My overanalytical nature would go crazy about how my social interactions went, and if my decision to not partake in drinking was the cause of dips in the night. People express feeling judged around me or like they're being watched due to my influence. That was a strange spot to be in as it's not my intent one bit. And as I grow older, I realize that whether at a bar or church, we are all seeking the same thing - love and connection.

Although, this weighed heavy on me, and it was a lonely road sometimes. I felt misunderstood but also justified. The "higher than thou" part of me grew and I quite honestly didn't like it. Each time I said no, I grew stronger, but each time I grew resentful I think, too. I wanted to belong and connect, but I just didn't know how yet, and I felt the need to take a stand for health. I demanded better of myself and in turn, of others. I still do stand for this and work to find a healthier relationship with indulgences. At the end of the day, I didn't intend to judge or hurt anyone around me, I just knew I had to raise my own standards.

I've learned that the intention behind what you do matters. Now, I will enjoy life's pleasures in moderation, it's all about balance. And being present with what I really desire helps to discern what is best for me in each moment. I am no longer living a life of restriction or limitation to prove myself to others or society because I love myself and I love my health. No matter the decision I make, I am on the path of being radically honest with myself and growing my self-awareness around what's driving my decisions and learning regardless. I can't lose, and maybe I never was a loser. This is what being "cool" means - leading your life in pursuit of growth and being honest with yourself. "I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy." (Mean Girls) I guess the question remains: Would you eat the cake, or would you redefine cool?