An Ode to Inadequacy

Here’s to the infamous words, "I am not enough" - or any demeaning variation of that. This is a core inner wound and belief that lives in us all. It's greater than you, it's greater than me, it's programmed and planted within us whether we like it or not, and it has the most clever ways of showing up and stripping us of our innate adequacy, worthiness, and deservedness. This belief whether conscious or subconscious is one of the biggest things holding us back, and in other words, it's our grand opportunity for growth and to reclaim what is already ours. We can try to mask or solve this with positive affirmations and the most beautiful new beliefs of all the fancy sorts, yet it doesn't always truly do the trick. Our collective inadequacy is ingrained in us for numerous reasons and perhaps a good amount is out of our control, but as with most things, we can only control our response and relationship to it.

In my experience, our society breeds fast-paced living and racing around to do all the things to prove ourselves to the world and ultimately to ourselves. This isn't to criticize or blame but rather to understand so we can reclaim our power and worth once and for all. It's an adequacy game and when you start to open your eyes at how many ways you can fall into its sneaky trap then the more you can start to outsmart the entire systems of beliefs and more. From trying to check off all the boxes on your to-do list before the end of the day to not speaking up for yourself to eating a plate of food you ordered that isn't really your order to pretending you're happy in a mediocre job or relationship to whatever it might be when you fall "short" - the list can go on. The point is that we are constantly questioning our worthiness in these matters, and feel the pressure to hit certain benchmarks and quotas before we can have what we truly want and deserve. It becomes a wild goose chase at times as we can race to fill in the blanks in a way that others may like or societies may value rather than filling that void authentically from the inside out.

Consider certain connotations that these common qualities hold like hard-worker, overachiever,  grinding, successful, burning the midnight oil, and any other words that might come to mind that are deemed desirably productive. They often hint at this relentless rush to do and accomplish. Now, I am not arguing that this is a bad thing because I do believe a certain amount of stress is healthy and quite necessary in life to establish determination, perseverance, and grit. We are here to GROW after all, but I'm challenging the come from when we go, do, achieve, and produce. For context, when I say come from, I mean the energetic, mental, and emotional space that you're operating from. That underlying driving force of your action and behavioral choices. It's not to say don't do or even do less, but why do you do? I think this is a more powerful and effective question than just dismissing the doing altogether. And of course, we can examine our amounts of doing and what might doing less offer us in life, but I'm here to more specifically consider the impact of this on our worthiness as human beings.

Have you ever had a lazy day? Or even just a lazy morning or afternoon on a workday? You daredevil you - how dare you - your inner critic may ask?! Speaking as I always do from personal experience, this is something that can come up for me time and time again, so I want to speak to the deeper source of this self-treatment and behavior. Those moments when you feel like absolute shit and worthless from taking time to rest and not actively cross something off the list, or what you should be doing with your spare time. It's evident that I feel inadequate and undeserving of this time to relax and rejuvenate. Although, I'm tired - damn it! BUT I feel the need to justify, reason, or excuse this radical restful behavior on a workday rather than just rest. It can feel like breaking the mold and going against the status quo, and I'm left feeling behind. With all the self-guilt and thought loops it ends up being more exhausting. I think this is a much more common experience than we'd like to admit. We strip ourselves of the opportunities to meet our needs because we haven't established a high enough self-image and self-esteem to back up what we truly want. There's a disconnect going on. As mentioned earlier, the source of this deep well of inadequacy may not be any fault of your own, perhaps it's just inherited, learned, conditioned, programmed, and whatnot, but it's real, and it’s very persistent.

This wound is oftentimes the biggest block and limitation to going after and receiving what we truly want. It's sneaky and diminishes our ability to ask for our needs to be met, share our deepest emotions, be vulnerable, or even be honest out of fear. Fear of rejection or isolation if we express our true selves and what's actually going on and divulge our full humanity - as messy and glorious as it might be. It can be perceived as a weakness to show up this way and thank goodness this is shifting where we're starting to normalize the hard times as part of the good times, bit by bit, but there's still more to unlearn here. We question our worth when we bite our tongue or hold back our thoughts or even when we feel threatened by others' growth and success and perceive it as taking away from our own. It ignites an innate fight or flight response to keep us "safe". It can grow and distort into a power trip to remain relevant or desperately on top and "better" since another's development Is perceived as challenging your own and in turn, your adequacy at that moment. Everything is on the line at that moment. You put pressure on yourself to catch up and reclaim that which is already yours. Imagine, like an old school bottle the pressure builds and it pops - the soda rockets out and fizzles down the side making a mess. Pop! The soda still tastes the same - it just couldn't take all the internal pressure. And neither can we. When we come from this pressurized place of lack and desperation or having to prove ourselves, then our self-worth remains questioned, but if we're driven to compete to grow and improve then that's a different story. This is where your come from matters. This is where having a compelling why is the most important thing to do to ensure you have a healthy driving force of motivation.

This is also where taking the time to really sit with the image and high esteem that you hold of yourself comes in. My self-worth was and still is in different ways a major source of exploration in my own coaching sessions. My personal transformation is highly reliant on my ability to uplevel my self-belief and self-worth through aligned action. Most problems I come in frantically venting about boil back down to me taking accountability and realizing my own worthiness again and again through various avenues. All roads lead back home - to you and the power that resides within waiting to be re-discovered and reclaimed. As Wayne Dyer puts it so simply, "Self-worth comes from one thing, thinking that you are worthy" to just further solidify that the only person you have to prove yourself to is you. It's the inner game that runs the show and we tiptoe around because we get sidetracked by the noise outside of us.

So, why is it so hard to feel worthy? Well, it oftentimes feels like there's a lot against us, and to truly step into one's worth is arguably a revolutionary act. I'm here to say yes AND, you hold the key. You can step into your worth, break those limits you place on yourself or perceive others have on you, redefine the bar, and perhaps one day, let go of the bar altogether as all parts of you are worthy. It's a shift in your relationship with yourself where you honor and accept what you need when you need it, and let go of doubting and playing small - it's only delaying your miracles and blessings. They often say if you don't ask, you won't get - and that couldn't be more true. Sometimes it's just about taking a stand for yourself and standing tall as you are. That moment when you're shaking and quivering to get out the word no to something you don’t want to do or yes to what you're most afraid and excited about at the same time. It's giving yourself permission to ask, question, and know that you're whole and complete regardless of the final outcome of your efforts. And of course, we love to win and come out on top, but there's so much to learn in between and each is a win and courageous act in itself.

Each time you question yourself and your gut feeling because it might be rude, looked down upon, or rejected - you are actually really hurting yourself. Each time you don't do what you say you will or disregard your own boundaries that represent greater values and life principles then you jeopardize your self-trust and self-belief. I know it isn't intentional, but let's be real, it's happening. The good news is this is the most fertile ground for self-discovery, so go there and relish in all that wants to be loved and held as worthy within. It might be murky and uncomfortable but I'm here right by your side to lovingly say - I know, me too. On the other side, is the renewal and remembrance of this deeper knowing that you are worthy and no one ever took that away from you. It's here! Awaiting and welcoming you home!