Getting To Know Marvelous Me

Do you really know yourself? What does it even mean to know yourself?

I am not sure if these are questions I can directly answer, so I will attempt to by sharing my personal experience thus far in pursuit of myself. In my opinion, I think this is an endless journey. We can know parts of ourselves and versions of ourselves only to watch them fade, shift, and change - intentionally and consciously or not at all. We are all living in a constant ocean of motion meaning that the cycles of change are constant and inevitable. In this ocean, I choose to ride the waves and go with the currents rather than resist because I find it's just me causing more resistance towards myself and the new version or layer of me wanting to unfold and the latter to be shed or merely just seen.

You know that uncomfortable moment when you have an epiphany that you ARE someone who would do something you deemed embarrassing, shameful, or "steeping low." For example, you would not like to identify as someone who would get jealous, guilt-trip loved ones, attention-seek, feel secretly relieved when someone doesn't get ahead, deeply insecure when faced with a taste of feedback/criticism, or whatever this weakness and "ill-behavior" might be. This is why your intentions matter and also understanding that you may not be fully aware of everything influencing you just yet. So sometimes your conscious intentions are flawless yet the execution can fail due to deeper, unrecognized motives. It's okay that you secretly harbor impure notions within. Trust me, you aren't alone sweet child. There's a deep iceberg of our subconscious and unconscious mind waiting to be excavated and explored in divine time. And this is no easy feat - it takes time, patience, and devotion to yourself. I will share that resisting and pushing those darker inclinations away does us no good, and even if it stays between you and you - uncovering them is your ticket forward. So, when we start to get all grossed out by ourselves and who we might be - I invite you to take a breath and recognize that these identities, parts, and versions of you are ever-evolving, and are what has and will help you to more positively transform each step of the way.

It's easy and natural to identify with certain titles, roles, qualities, and the like. Perhaps it's a way to step out of the unknown of who we are and fill it with a sense of certainty. When we confront uncertainty, it's quite an unsettling experience, and this has been my biggest teacher, and arguably one of our grandest collective lessons and wake-up calls from the past couple of years - to become acquainted with not knowing. It's not because all of the sudden uncertainty filled the air, but rather to remind us that we may have never truly known ourselves as much as we'd like to think or convey. I share this because I have grown through and been challenged immensely by this idea of control and sitting with the unknown. It continues to be one of my greatest teachers.

I had my rude awakening when all that I thought would unfold in my life at the ripe age of 26, "happily" married, then didn't align with my set of plans for the future. These plans and ideas I had of myself provided me with a false sense of safety and certainty. It was a true blessing in retrospect, and sometimes blessings are found later (even much later ;) in hindsight because the pain is so much to endure. Long story short, I went from being heartbroken, on the brink of divorce, and deeply disappointed to creating a more solid foundation of self-love and self-acceptance than I ever knew I needed. And from there everything was reborn between me and me as well as between me and my husband. See - the common theme here is I think I "knew" it all and "knew" myself enough to be void of any of these life interventions and detours. Gratefully, this journey back home within did end up rerouting me back with my husband and reviving my marriage through renewed self-esteem, self-worth, and acceptance of myself and him. When you notice yourself resisting, fixing, and judging others, I've been there, and it's a true reflection of how you're treating yourself. I believe we can honor our worth in a way that doesn’t jeopardize the beautiful exchange of acceptance that's possible to promote harmony within that can further feed harmony in other relationships.

I gained a false sense of safety and certainty by trying to analyze and figure it all out because, in the end, I was just grasping for anything in plain sight as a way to exert control. I would hang on and attach to any stories thoughts, feelings, or beliefs that could further validate my limited sense of self and identity at that time. Very, very human of me - no? It's in those moments when we keep grasping onto the external that we lose sight of ourselves, and what we feel and think. We can get so caught up in the noise that we diminish ourselves in the process. I understand now that a lot of my desire for control is relatable yet it also is rooted in open wounds that needed tending to. I realized that control provided a false safety net where I could guarantee people's love through this "power over" approach. It's interesting to write and share this but I know exposing this version of me makes me no less loveable, so I stand tall with this part of me and release the guilt. It's icky - yes - and it's part of my healing journey, and the more we can embrace those interesting programs and conditionings with curiosity and love then the more we uncover about ourselves.

I opened up about this to highlight this pivotal moment when life took the reins to show me how much more there was to discover about myself and to let go of this idea of being in control by claiming to know what was always going on within and around me. It's a pattern that I continuously explore from various angles to better experience who I am and what beliefs constitute my present moment makeup. As I commit to staying open and learning from this experience, I'm reminded of the importance of remaining humble to the mystery.

In a recent coaching session, I asked my client who claimed to be unsure of who she is with such defeat and hopelessness, "What if you didn't know yourself yet and that's where you start to get to know yourself?" Being honest and saying you don't know might be the best answer at times since it gives you the space and an opportunity to pursue a relationship with yourself rather than assume you know. It allows for endless possibilities to exist and be explored within yourself and through what may feel foggy at times you can start to notice the skies clear…And, so that's where I'll leave you…amidst the fog or partly cloudy skies to consider that you don't know and it's okay to begin and perhaps be reborn from there just like an artist approaching a blank canvas.